🚨😳 THREE MASKED MEN STOLE SIMONE BILES’ PORSCHE FROM HER CHICAGOLAND HOME?! CHIIILE... THEY PICKED THE WRONG HOUSE FOR THIS ROUTINE!

CHICAGOLAND — Simone Biles casually dropped a story on TikTok that would've had the rest of us telling it with three cousins, a police report and somebody's Ring-camera footage pulled up on the TV.

The Olympic gymnastics legend revealed that three masked men came to the Chicagoland home she shared with husband Jonathan Owens and stole her Porsche GTS during the couple's final months in the Chicago area. Biles didn't reveal exactly when the theft occurred or provide many details about how the men got onto the property.

And Lady Red has just ONE question:

Y'ALL STOLE SIMONE BILES' CAR?!

Do you understand this woman can probably clear the backyard fence without opening the gate?! 😭

🚘 BUT WAIT... THEY GOT THE PORSCHE BACK

Thankfully, Biles confirmed that the Porsche was eventually recovered.

She revealed the whole situation while getting ready to shop for another vehicle, telling followers that the theft was a story she'd have to explain another time. She described the bizarre things happening in her life as “absolute insanity.”

And baby, she's not lying.

Most people announce a burglary sitting on the couch looking traumatized.

Simone was basically doing her makeup like:

“Foundation... concealer... mascara... oh yeah, three masked men stole my Porsche.”

MA'AM?! 😭😭😭

🐕 AND NOW THERE'S A DOBERMAN

Here's the part that should probably concern anybody thinking about trying Round Two.

Biles said the incident was one of the reasons she and Owens got a Doberman. 

CHIIILE.

So the security system now has TEETH.

😂

Imagine creeping toward that house thinking you're about to grab another luxury vehicle and hearing paws galloping toward you from the darkness.

Suddenly that Porsche isn't quite as important anymore.

KEEP IT, SIMONE. WE WERE JUST ADMIRING IT. 😭

🏈 THEIR CHICAGO CHAPTER HAS ENDED

Owens played safety for the Chicago Bears during the 2024 and 2025 seasons before joining the Indianapolis Colts this year. Biles described the theft as happening during their final months in Chicago.

And this wasn't even the couple's only recent run-in with somebody trying to take their stuff.

While they were in Milan for the 2026 Winter Olympics, Owens said someone attempted to snatch a shopping bag from him, but couldn't get it because Owens had the bag wrapped around his hand.

At this point...

WHO KEEPS TRYING THESE TWO?! 😩

One is an NFL safety.

The other has enough Olympic medals to require additional carry-on weight.

Please select easier customers.

🎙️ LADY RED SAYS...

Now CHICAGO...

Three masked men went to Simone Biles' house and stole her PORSCHE?!

😐

Y'all couldn't steal a Kia from somebody who can't do a triple-double?!

You chose SIMONE BILES?!

The woman whose entire career is based on LANDING?!

Baby, she was ALWAYS getting that car back. 😂

But jokes aside, having masked strangers come onto your property and steal your vehicle is scary as hell, especially when you don't know what else they might be willing to do.

The good news is Biles says the Porsche was recovered, and she and Owens have taken additional security precautions.

The bad news for the thieves?

There's apparently a Doberman on payroll now.

So if anybody was considering a sequel...

CANCEL SEASON TWO. 🐕😭

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IT HITS DIFFERENT. EVERY TIME. BOOM! 💥